[Content note: Talk of self-harm, Bulimia and suicide]
Over the past few months in particular I’ve had days where fighting back against the challenges I face has just felt impossible.
So: Fight or flight?
Usually I fight. I say f*** you to the problems and say I will get through this. Sometimes, though, you get tired. Sometimes it feels like your world is collapsing in on itself.
In the past six months I’ve often felt like this has to be the end. That I cannot fight this any more and I definitely cannot win. Then I feel like crap because so many other people have such worse battles with their health. People fight like hell for their lives and I want to run away, to give up any hope of a future.
Life can be so bittersweet.
I know I shouldn’t feel guilty about this. My brain is messed up and that is my illness. I’ve made so much progress over the years and sometimes I know I can do this. I think it sounds silly but I think my instability at the moment is because I’ve remembered what life can be like when I’m healthy(-ish).
The flashes of being a normally functioning person with interests and hobbies, a work ethic and concentration, exercise and cooking and reasonable bedtimes where I actually go to sleep, and a personality that is all me. Where I can be social and have a routine, as much as my crappy digestive system will allow.
And yet I always come back here. To the place where things feel like they can’t get any worse. Where depression strips me of hope and the ability to function like a human being. I can drag myself out of bed but daylight can’t make me feel better. It should, it probably will pass. It’s just hard to see when you’re in the middle of it.
At this point the old reflexes kick in. The flawed coping strategies of self-harm and Bulimia. The thoughts of suicide. I don’t want to go back there and am battling my demons with the strongest force my doctors and I can.
My great-aunt is going through her own health battles and she’s told me her favourite song is that below. So yes, I’ll try and Accentuate the Positive. I’ll keep trying to fight. But I hope my blog posts over the past year can help you understand why my instinct is to run away and give up.
I will fight though. With all that I’ve got.
On Crafts and Crappiness 