[Content Note: Talk of suicide and self harm]
Related links: The Samaritans, Mind and the NHS Choices page on Clinical Depression
Suicide is back in the news after the tragic death of Robin Williams. And no, people who commit suicide are not weak or cruel to be leaving their family behind. They are dying because they have an illness which is hard to bear.
My experiences of attempting suicide go back over a decade. I don’t know what the statistics are for those with Depression but with Bipolar Disorder it is believed 1 in 5 eventually kill themselves.
Ideally nobody should feel they are so desperate that their only option is to die. Ideally we should help every person who has a mental illness and help them recover. Our world, however, is less than ideal.
I find it hard to see people saying that it’s sad people can’t see how precious life is or how much of a waste of life has happened. After all these years of seeing mental health professionals, of doctors and medication, of nurses and therapists I still often feel that I wish I had died all those times I toyed with death.
I used to hoard tablets and sharp objects. Some nights I took my stashes, washing down all the painkillers and sleeping tablets and hoping that after I passed out I wouldn’t wake up. Sometimes I slashed my body, trying and trying to hit an artery so it would end. I made impromptu nooses. And to this day I don’t know how I got through the pain each time and how I got up the next day to continue my life.
And often I still feel that I wish I could have died and been spared all the pain I’ve had since then – and still have today. Every time I go into a room with medical professionals and say that I would prefer death to living like this I feel ashamed. It doesn’t seem to get easier however many times you say it. It is a difficult feeling to face head on.
You generally can’t stop people from ending their lives by telling them they have stuff to live for. Let them feel their feelings and be there to listen and help how you can to try raise their quality of life. Make them want to live.
With older people who are dying we talk about letting them keep their dignity. About quality of life. To be quite frank, unless my quality of life improves I do not want another 50 or so years of this. I only want to be around if my quality of life improves. I want to keep what little dignity I have.
This is not to say that I think people should die. I hope never to get into a state that I succeed in suicide. But I implore people to take mental health seriously and to not make outside judgements on what someone’s life must be like. Collectively we seem to be shocked whenever high profile people reveal their mental health struggles. Yet physical illnesses also strike indiscriminately.
If you feel desperate please talk to people. There are The Samaritans, the charity Mind and local Crisis Teams. Please reach out. It might help to start making things better. Practise self care if you can.
If you are worried about someone you know who might be withdrawn or you haven’t seen for a while, reach out and talk to them. Research mental illnesses and find out what you can to educate yourself about mental health issues. The more we talk about mental health, the easier it will be for people to talk about it.
To read my previous post on what Depression feels like for me click here.
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TRIGGER ALERT: I have bipolar 1 disorder & my mother had schizoaffective. She succeeded in killing herself after many attempts when I was 15. I won’t explain the gruesome details of her method.
I had my 1st suicide attempt about 6 weeks before she died. I think it is important to add family suicides or attempts to the list of “risk factors” or what can predisposition a person to attempt suicide.
Not only is the family member (my mother for me) modeling suicidal actions & plans as a “coping skill” for when life gets too overwhelming or painful, it is a foreshadowing of a potential emergence of a severe mental illness (Bipolar 1, in my case).
“Suicidality” should be considered a mental disorder that needs specific modalities for successful “management.”
As you mentioned the thoughts & desires to end your life do not completely go away, but can be “managed” w/treatment (often medication; always therapy, I believe); family support & training (to learn the fine balance between being manipulated by the ill family member & offering support & assistance w/out letting their “care” become their full-time job for which they were not trained {though mentally ill we are still human–even MOSTLY human–& can be practiced manipulators}) & education to allow the person to learn much healthier coping skills & ways to divert suicidal actions & diminish the intensity of the thoughts so that the act doesn’t become so compelling.
In my case DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) was my passport to overcoming my daily suicidal ideation & “white knuckling” it through a long night; locking myself in my closet & handing my meds over to my husband for my safekeeping & then “feeding the wolf” while crying & doing an internal dismantling of my personhood bit by bit; analyzing each piece of myself & deciding that I was not only worthless but detrimental to my family & others by continuing to suck in air.
My last, & I promise LAST attempt, was 5 years ago before I started what ended up being 2 years of weekly DBT sessions & individual therapy w/DBT therapist. That overdose was an unsuccessful suicide attempt (of course–here I am rambling on–sorry about that; the rambling, I mean; I’m not sorry I’m alive EVEN if you are).
My husband found me unconscious (oh, I added a bottle of wine to the pills–a tip I learned from my mother’s example, except she also just drank the bottle of wine most “regular days”). I had my stomach pumped (could tell by the throat pain).
I didn’t realize that the ER docs would notify my primary physician about this attempt; I guess because I had been in the ER a couple other times (in this state; move a lot) for other things & they had my primary’s info. on file.
Three weeks later I was due for my yearly physical that my therapist insisted I keep the appt for due to acquiring metabolic syndrome from the psych meds. In fact, she offered to take the afternoon off to accompany me as I was still shaky & prone to crying at the drop of a hat.
I should have taken her up on that offer as my internal medicine doc started berating me for my suicide attempt before she even got out the tongue depressor. She called me “weak & selfish” & I’m sure many other choice words, but my mind tends to go blank (handy dissociative state learned in childhood) when being attacked.
Last time I saw that doc…
Ramble over.
Still here today. Hope you are, too.
I am sorry your mother died. That must have been very difficult. I wish people didn’t have to die because of their mental health. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad you have been helped by DBT. I haven’t attempted to try and kill myself for several years now. There are so many great things about life but it is still difficult most days. The truth is that is not enough support out there for people who are suicidal and the responses of some doctors – as you have seen – are truly shocking. I hope you can be well going forward.
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